A bit of departure for me: I’ve written a short script! I like to experiment with unfamiliar forms once in a while.
Foetal Peter is set in the mid-80s and is a short conversation between three women in a nightclub.
Oh, and the usual adults-only warnings apply.
Title: Foetal Peter
Credit: By
Author: Dom Ossiah
Draft date: 3 Jul 2015
Contact:
>FADE IN:
INT. the SLUG AND LETTUCE, SLOUGH, on a mid-summer Saturday night in 1985. It’s 01:00am. The ground floor is humid AND cloying. The music stays loud, but the atmosphere is losing its charge. the lights begin to come up and the night starts to wind down. Three women have found a nook close to the bar where they can sober up, hear themselves think, and where The past year’s regrets become painfully clear.
MEL
Okay, okay! I’ve got one. Worst relationship ever. I need a clever nickname, one weird habit and why you dumped him. Winner gets a free kebab! Shaz! Go!
SHAZ
But I don’t like kebabs!
MEL
Christ, Shaz, whatever you want for under a fiver. Now go! C’mon, worst fella ever!
SHAZ
Er . . . Okay
(thinks for a moment)
Right, that would be . . . ‘Bush Tucker Brian’.
CHERYL
(grinning)
Oh. My. God. Did you call him ‘Bush Tucker’ because he liked to–
SHAZ
No, soft cow. His worst habit was—
MEL
Hang on! Was that the bloke who ate roadkill?
CHERYL
What the fuck? Really?
SHAZ
Oh thanks a bunch, Mel! You’ve spoilt it now.
CHERYL
Wait, hold on. He ate . . . dead animals?
MEL
Better than trying to eat live ones . . .
SHAZ
Whenever we drove past something dead in the road, he’d skid over, jump out, get the shovel and plastic bags—
CHERYL
Jesus . . .
SHAZ
Take it home, skin it, cook it.
MEL
Come on, be honest, did you ever, y’know . . . try a bit?
SHAZ
Oh, fuck off!
MEL
Well, if you think about it, it’s just game, like you get in Waitrose.
CHERYL
It’s game when you shoot it. If it’s been run over, then it’s just a flat, dead rabbit. Okay, you’re next.
SHAZ
Wait a mo! You haven’t asked me why I dumped him!
MEL
What, like eating animals covered in tyre tracks isn’t a good enough reason?
SHAZ
Well . . . Okay, that was it, actually.
MEL
Right, my go. His name was Foetal Peter, and my problem with him was his mum.
CHERYL
Boooorrrriiiingggg!
MEL
I met him at Phillipa’s hen bash. Do you remember?
Cheryl and Shaz look at each other and shake their heads.
MEL
Anyway, he buys me a drink, tells me I’ve got nice eyes, so I take him outside and toss him off in the car park.
SHAZ
You’re such a class act, Mel.
MEL
D’you want to hear this or not?
CHERYL
Don’t mind her, Mel; you carry on.
MEL
Right, so for the next month we’re, like, inseparable. Parties, art galleries, posh dinners. He spoke four languages, and he could tell what year wine was made by sniffing the cork. A real educated sort.
SHAZ
Wait a minute. Was that that guy who wouldn’t–?
MEL
Have sex, yeah – that was him.
CHERYL
What? You never told me about him!
SHAZ
He just liked—
MEL
Handjobs. That’s all. Same thing every night. Tell you what, I could crush walnuts after a few weeks of that.
CHERYL
I have no memory of this bloke.
MEL
In a way it was sort of . . . sweet.
SHAZ
(eyebrow raised)
How?
MEL
Well, it was like he was saving himself for marriage or something. It was nice, sort of old-fashioned.
Cheryl and Shaz look at each other.
MEL
I give him the wank of a lifetime the day he asks me to move into his flat. He grunts, shoots, and says ‘Yeah okay, but you have to meet Mother first.’
SHAZ
You’re kidding.
MEL
Wish I was.
SHAZ
Fucking hell.
CHERYL
I still have no idea who this bloke is. Was he the estate agent with the bald spot?
MEL
No, that was Friar Andy.
CHERYL
Oh.
MEL
So the next day, I meet his mum. We drove all the way to Bristol to her palace near the bridge. And what a bitch. That bloody woman was never out of my face from the day we met. And him, he still won’t go all the way.
(Lights a cigarette. Her hands are shaking)
So after a while I’m getting just a little bit fucked off.
SHAZ
(drinking from her glass)
Or not.
MEL
He just wants the five-finger shuffle all the time. And she’s on the phone every five fucking minutes. Talks to him then criticises me!’Peter likes porridge in the morning.’ or ‘Make sure his eggs aren’t too runny.’ or ‘Don’t use conditioner when you wash his smalls; he’s got sensitive skin.’
CHERYL
Wait. You washed his clothes?
MEL
I did.
SHAZ
You?
CHERYL
Christ. You don’t even like washing your own.
MEL
The worst thing was he wanted his handjobs just so. He used to take ages! My wrist’s killing me, and he’s all: ‘More pressure; use your thumbs; c’mon, don’t be afraid; now really big circles; oooh, that’s my girl!’
CHERYL
Oh wow.
SHAZ
So that’s why you dumped him then?
MEL
Like I said, it was his mum. One day she decides I have to learn how to make bread, because, y’know, Peter likes home-made bread. She takes the train up and lets herself into the flat.
CHERYL
Wait, she has a key?
MEL
‘Course she did. Anyway, I want to make him happy—
SHAZ
‘Cause then he might actually fuck you . . .
MEL
So I’m in the kitchen with his bloody mother. I’m kneading the dough, and of course I’m doing it wrong. She comes up behind me, puts her hands in the dough with mine, and then she’s saying: ‘More pressure; use your thumbs; come on, don’t be afraid; now really big circles;, yes, yes, that’s my girl!’
CHERYL
You are joking me!
MEL
No word of a lie. I put the loaf in the oven, rang him; dumped him; told her to fuck off. Okay, your go, Cheryl.
CHERYL
Unfaithful Dave.
SHAZ
What?
CHERYL
I’m calling him unfaithful Dave. He cheated on me and that’s why I dumped him.
MEL
Is that it? Every bloke you’ve ever been with has cheated on you.
SHAZ
For God’s sake, Mel . . .
CHERYL
S’okay, she’s right. But I only let Dave do it once.
MEL
Why?
CHERYL
Because he’s the only one I was in love with.
SHAZ
Oh.
Mel and Shaz are silent for a moment. They watch Cheryl down her cocktail in one.
MEL
Right then Cheryl, my love – I think that kebab is yours.
>FADE OUT: